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About Me
multi-tasking is my middle name. fashion is my passion. Red is the color that i love. Being literate is also part of my life. plus i am a realistic person 8D!
argh....my days are just getting worst. I was SUPPOSED to go for surgery, [yes supposed to go] but it was postponed due to some techinical problems. and NOW it's cancelled. Because it shrunk. I know i am supposed to be happy that the cyst is no longer a threat, but how many weeks have i been staying home, lazing around? i think if i am not mistaken it's my third week now. =___=;;
i know most people would say skipping the trails is fun! Hell no. It's never fun to skip exams, i use to think vice versa, but now i realize how much have i missed out in my school life. I am practically neglecting my school life which i am supposely enjoying before i reach adulthood. Like most adults say nowadays. School life is the best, nothing to worry about. Only the exams though. *haha*
Pretty much true. I wanna admit that school life is great, minus those dramas and those butterfly moments. I know i shouldn't be ranting over this lil stuff. There are more tragedies and miserable things happening out there in the world. I know i should feel happy that i am feeding off good food, i am have a place to stay and i get to wake up the next morning with no fears of war or soldiers intruding my place. I know i should feel content and blessed that i am free from this, but why do i find it so hard to be happy?
It's a great question to ask myself. I do that everyday, my mind will be popping alot of questions asking myself.
"Why are you so mad?" "Why do you hate yourself so much?" "Do you wish to die earlier?" "Why aren't you happy?"
these are the most common questions popping around my head all day and night. Probably the reason why i even have insomia
but the biggest question was,
"Why aren't you putting effort to love yourself more?"
Every now and then i will look back at the past, and i will compare the me now and the me before. Why can't i be like before? A no-nonsence, self-confident girl. I didn't care what people think of me, i did things the way i think was right. People's views wasn't a problem for me at all. Now, i am just some useless dumb-ass bitch ranting everyday. Not putting any effort in changing for the better.
I wonder where can i go? If i keep going on like this. I doubt i will go anywhere. My god-aunt will always ask me,
"How are you to love other people, when you can't even love yourself?" "What happened to your self-confidence?"
It went *POOF* a year ago, when everything went downhill.
Hopefully....things will resolve and i will be able to stand up again, like i always did when i was younger. I need a better role model i guess. Hahah, perhaps the me i the past will be the best one for now. To stand up when i fall. Yeah, that's what i want. It's something new for me to achieve, and i will work hard towards this very improvement. For myself and for my loved ones.
TOWARDS A BETTER FUTURE! <3<3<3
[Max if your reading this and you don't understand a thing. It's ok ^_^;;]
Gwen ♥signed off at 6:34 AM
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
A Good and a Bad Day
My mum finally agreed to buy me a Nintendo DS, took a while for me to finally get her to buy it for me or rather, beg. ^__^;; I paid a sum for it too. I, as usual asked my cousin to bring me to 1 Utama to get it, i even asked Max to pck me up after that XD [coughifeelsospoiled] and THANK YOU MAX for going all the way there even though your so tired. Actually i wanted to buy a book along the way, sadly none of the two stores have them [MPH/Popular]. They are self-help books if you all are wondering... I am trying to learn how to ermm....Love myself more? I seem to be more pessimistic when it comes to myself - appearence, personality, hobbies and so on. I guess it's pretty much a girl thing XD.
My god aunt always advices me to be more confident and so on, but i have completely no idea why am i soooo negative about myself. She also told me that if i am unable to love myself, how am i to love other people? Hmm... Good question. Surprisingly i find it easier to love or rather like someone else if you ever compare. It's a mystery why that even happens. [coughbacktotopiccough]
Ahem, likewise i called this day or rather this two day(yesterday = good day) and today = bad day. My external hard disk has made me go bonkers running around the supermarket. I been there 4 days straight. I think all the shopkeepers already recognizes me.
Day 1 - Shopkeeper : "Hi, welcome." Day 2 - Shopkeeper : "Hi..." Day 3 - Shopkeeper : "Hi, you came two day ago right? Are you working here?" Me : "Errr....No?" Day 4 - Shopkeeper : "You.....again? You really love this mall!"
Yeah, that kinda explained everything. =___=;;
Anyway, i was having a hard time picking among two of my favorite colors, the metallic red and the ltd. ed. Red + Black one. I was even bugging my pet sister which one is better [coughmandaiamgonnaplayvampireknightsimulationgamecough] XD. I finally picked one, after let say 3 hours and 46 minutes when Max arrived and i asked him for his opinion. [made me pay 50 ringgit extra for the ltd ed =__=;; there goes my new shoes].
and for today.... I went to the same mall again. (i know, i know) to check on my hard drive again. Guess what? 324GB of my stuff is going to be GONE. GONE. Three bloody frigging years of stuff down the drain. *screams* I am GOING MAD! @__@ seriously, i did rather jump of KLCC towers than to loose this stuff. @#$%%^&@$$ TwT SO... i decided to take it back ad give it another try, it's still working but since the lady in the store backup-ed some of the files for me, so.... some of them are partials. Which is bad....meaning i will have to carry all my gears to the store and back up the stuff....argh talk about being hated by the god and luck itself.
GOD IF YOU REALLY DO EXIST, PLEASEEE LET SPARE MY HARD DISK'S LIFE! wait.... and MINE TOO.
argh....another day went by just like that.... *sigh* didn't manage to do anything useful then just sitting i front of my laptop in my little comfort zone. SPM is drawing nearer and nearer, still i have many things i am not prepared for. I have been through two horrible years, one was this year and the other one was last year. This two years just isn't the best years of my life, i've been better especially when my god-mother and god-grandparents are still living and breathing. They're pretty supportive of me, always there listening and telling the rights things at the right moment. I am not saying my real mom doesn't do so, but she just over does it. I will have to admit that my god-mother spoils me alot, i practically get what i want. Problem is, she (my real mom) just tries too hard. I know that i will have to let things pass by, let the dead be in peace and so on. But this just too sudden.
You see, i lived with my god-mother since i was a toddler till i reached my adolescent years. Time passed really, really fast. It's been 5 years since her death. I am not entirely sure which part of her got infected by cancer, hmmmm.....perhaps the ovary. Not entirely sure, wasn't what i was truely bothered about. -coffstillyoungcoff- Ahaha, who would want to bother about this kinda stuff when they have something more interesting to bother about. [coughnotmecough]. It just really irritates me when i found out that my mum didn't allow me to visit her. Saying my karma was bad or something, [traditional chinese believes that when one's karma isn't too good, going to the hospital will be a bad trip, such as meeting spirits and stuff] so she didn't allow me to go, for that very one lousy reason. AND for that i didn't get to see her the one last time before her passing. Which is what i regretted, and i doubt this regret will ever be lifted from me. It's hard to do so, seeing that she was the closest person to me.
On the contuary, i won't say i am actually a very religious person. I do go temples and stuff, but for all i know it's not entirely my cup of tea. I have a really bad nose, i sneeze almost everytime the incense in near my nose. >__>;; probably one the reasons i dislike going to big temples on big days. i remember that i nearly fainted once because of those smokes. [ hey i have asthma ]
*sigh* i do admit being a lil too weak at times like this, but crying ain't going to bring the dead back alive, so.....i guess i will just have to let it go, but only time can tell when. Gods forbids this, i am sure of it. But i guess i should be happy, that i am still alive and breathing now. Let's hope everyone and i will get a better tomorrow. =D
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BRITHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! [coughfeelsmuchbettersincemajoritypeoplehaveforgottenaboutitcough]
Argh.... i have been suffering from gastritis since last week. I admitted to the ER on 1st September around 1 am. my stomach hurt so bad, that i feel like digging it out by myself. [my stomach doctor was on vacation when i was suffering with drip needles in my arm] D=< *rant* AND on 2nd of September i finally got to see my doctor! [happyhappyjoyjoy XDD] and i overheard the nurse saying that they go by the first come first basis yet i arrive as the third on the list and i was the last one to see the doctor. (wanna try guessing what time i came home? I went to the hospital around * morning btw >_>;; how great is that?) I did ultra-sound twice and the doctor found a 45mm growth on meh left ovary JOY. My Gynae doctor attempted to take my blood for a CA125 blood test and instead he made holes in my arms and still he wasn't able to get any....GG
and as for today, i did an MRI which made a HUGE hole in my mum wallet. [coughtheregoesmyplaystation3cough] T-T;; still i will be going for a nice porriage steamboat dinner later haaaa.....for once i feel happy that i am able to eat something solid then watery porriage.....8D [ishthehappiestwomanwhenitcomestosteambo
at] btw did i mention i needa go for a surgery? BAH forget it.
EDIT: will post some of my celebration piccies lata, if i am hardworking enough to capture them that is XDD
